We spend a lot of time up at York Beach in the summer. It is
one of the great vacation places in the area
for parents with kids in different age groups. No one needs a car to
participate in the various attractions. There is a petting zoo, carnival, batting
cage, several basketball courts, a large grassy area for frisby, wiffleball,
soccer, etc, live bands in the gazebo in the evening, a total building
dedicated to video games and skee ball, and bowling and go carts. It also has a
terrific playground. But in the end the real attraction is a very gently
declining beach that makes for great time for even the youngest beachgoers.
A while ago I put my observations of the beach residents
into a piece that was used in the Concord
. For those who may have missed it I include it here. It is also
among the many pieces in Granite
(Snap Screen Press
I hope you have some fun with it and I hope you have a
chance to get to the beach this summer.
Getting Ready for the Beach
I have spent parts of the last thirty years at York Beach,
Maine (sometimes also known as Concordville because so many Concord residents
vacation there). It is a great place to go for a change of pace. I like the
sounds of the ocean, the cool sea breezes, the excitement and activity of the
area, and the ever-changing scenery (both on the water and the sand). For
years, however, I have been trying to figure out what motivates individuals to
spend all those hours actually lying on the beach. I couldn’t understand why
theoretically normal and sane people would find pleasure in oiling themselves
up, and then alternately frying themselves in the hot sand and freezing in the
numbingly cold waters of the North Atlantic. I was unsuccessful in obtaining a
government grant to pursue an analysis of this (apparently they were already
over budget for theses kinds of projects). I decided, however, to continue with
research on my own, as a service to my fellow man.
After years of study, and many long hours with the
binoculars, I believe I have been able to classify, in general terms, some of
those who seem so addicted to blistered skin, sand in intimate places, and
heart-stopping, cold water baths. I thought it might be useful to share some of
the results of this research with you prior to the arrival of the new beach
season. This might allow you to better evaluate the situation if you, a normal
person, were to suddenly find yourself surrounded by a broad cross-section of
certifiable crazies at such a beach.
The following categories comprise the major groups of beach
dwellers. They are listed in no particular order:
There are people out there who
actually like to swim in freezing water. Some of them can be seen on TV in the
winter, diving into holes in the ice. This is part of their training program so
that the York Beach water doesn’t seem too cold. I suspect that their brains
were fried in a previous summer’s heat, and now they have the uncanny ability
to actually thrive in water that makes the rest of us turn blue. Most of these
people have been preparing for years for this test, their bodies are
well-oiled, and the tide tends to rise when they go in.
. These are people who use the beach to
release their inhibitions. Many of them wouldn’t be caught dead in a revealing
blouse on Main Street, but will basically strip down to their underwear as soon
as they are standing on sand. The theoretical rationale is that this is the
only way they can get a really good tan. The actual objectives vary from
impressing boyfriends or girlfriends, to enjoying the sense of freedom and
release that comes from running around nearly naked. There is a kind of
selective amnesia related to this, and that is probably a good thing. It
definitely adds life to the beach scene but can be a real mixed blessing. There
are some cases where there is more to meet the eye than the eye is ready for.
. Many beach-goers fall into this category.
They come to see everyone else. Unfortunately beach etiquette demands that they
also wear bathing suits. This can be particularly unpleasant. One ameliorating
factor with this group is that they burn easily and therefore often cover up
fairly quickly. They also tend to have very short attention spans, except when
confronted with world-class max-tanners. Since York Beach is not Malibu, they
often get bored and hot, and wander into town to buy ice cream and add to their
collection of ugly t-shirts.
4)Perpetual Motion Machines
. A wide variety of kids
add excitement and variety to the beach scene. These youngsters have been
resting up all year for beach day. They are impervious to cold water, are quite
good at warming up tidal pools, love to splash those who wander too close to
the ocean, and kick sand in food and drinks as they run over bodies and drip on
towels. They are relentless in their activities, never sleep and have great
lungs, which help maintain a decibel level that appears essential to
maintaining the chemistry of the beach.
5)Beasts of Burden
. These are mostly out-of-shape
fathers who are on an involuntary conditioning program. They don’t actually
spend much time on the beach, but they can be seen making frequent trips
between car or cabin and the established beachhead. They carry inner tubes,
folding chairs, shovels, pails, towels, big hats, cushions, binoculars, beach
umbrellas, radios, wagons, strollers, blankets and a wide assortment of toys.
The kids mostly ignore this stuff and the mother generally is too busy to use
it, but it definitely contributes color to the setting. Most of these trips are
scheduled at the hottest part of the day.
6)Unofficial Assistant Lifeguard
. There are always a
few of these guys on the beach. They roam back and forth looking for their lost
youth. They can be identified by the tiny little bathing suits that they wear,
and the tendency to have more hair on their backs than on their heads.
. These are veteran beach goers
who were left out in the sun too long, and are now a permanent part of the
landscape. They are there when you get there, and they are there when you
leave. They never seem to move, and probably own that piece of beach by virtue
of squatter’s rights. With luck, they will wake up before the guys with the
metal detectors come by and try to grab their earrings and keys.
I hope that this summary of my years of beach study will be
useful to you in understanding the dynamics of this primitive culture.
Obviously, most of you do not fall into any of these categories, but are,
instead, just normal, healthy people looking to get away from the hot weather.
And if you are also interested in doing scientific studies of beach culture,
York Beach is a pretty good place to start.